i haven't written in a long time because there is nothing new to tell: well that's not true, kathy made a surprise visit that was awesome but too short. oh well i'll get to see you when you come back for christmas!
mostly i've been just sitting in this room and writing essay after essay.
school's been keeping me so preoccupied that i've forgotten how to eat right, i've become more obsessed with reading, i've forgotten how much i miss marc, and that i need to buy pants.
christmas isn't the same this year.
usually at christmas i always insist that everyone has to help decorate the christmas tree (i'm a nerd), but it never really worked out: mom would get mad because we wouldn't help with the lights, dad would would go to bed early or turn off the christmas music so he could watch the news and then elise would get mad at mom for being so cranky. marc would help out a bit but get frustrated with all the noise.....ahhh christmas
this year i started the tree by myself...
the reason why i've been reading so much (especially kids books) is because i feel more grounded in fairytales than i do reality. i feel like i'm just going through the motions, that i'm disconnected from the cold, the early mornings, the bus rides, the hours in the darkroom.. they are all just things i do between reading. i'm around strangers all day and i'm cold cause i'm only wearing a skirt and thin tights. all i really think about is how good it's going to feel when i can go home and put on my pajamas and read. when i read i feel the most comfortable in my skin, the most at-home. i think my eyesight is getting slowly worse because i'm always reading everywhere! i've noticed too that i get especially attached to books that come in series. i become so involved with the stories that i feel like when i finish the last book that a phase of my own life has passed. it's sad you know? i get all nostalgic about it like it was my own childhood.
i have a suspicion that i'm becoming obsessed with collecting small experiences that make me feel young, small and elated again.
i think i have the mean reds, well maybe just the winter blues. the sun goes down so early that i feel sleepy as soon at 5 pm hits. maybe it'll pass when christmas comes and i'll remember that i should invest the time i spend reading towards my actual existence as krista, limardo drive, dartmouth, nova scotia, canada, world.

Holly:You know those days when you get the mean reds?
Paul: The "mean reds?" You mean, like the blues?
Holly: No. The blues are because you're getting fat or it's been raining too long. You're just sad, that's all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you're afraid, and you don't know what you're afraid of. Don't you ever get that feeling?
Paul: Sure. Some people call it angst.
Holly: When I get it, what does any good is to jump into a cab and go to Tiffany's. Calms me down right away. The quietness, the proud look. Nothing very bad could happen to you there. If I could find a real-life place that made me feel like Tiffany's, then... then I'd buy some furniture and give the cat a name...