the last couple of days have been sort of lonely somehow. i can feel my eyes tearing at the slightest pang to my heart. i'm just going to chalk it up to pms. although that's what i always do. everything always seems like such a big deal around this time of the month. it might be different for other girls but i always feel this intense feeling of loneliness. and this feeling doesn't subside even in a crowded room. i can't explain it but i know it even goes so far as feeling like there's not even something spiritual to comfort me.
saturday was sarah's birthday party and jill's last night in dartmouth. i gave sarah her bike from kathy and i. i'm glad she liked it. i want to get a bike now. kathy had some people over to relax and drink. i was sort of bothered that some people didn't show. i know sarah and i always talk about how friends should put in the effort of spending time with each other even if it's somewhere you might not feel like going. to put aside your laziness or your self-conscieness or your high ideals to spend time with someone you love. anyway, i drank a half a bottle of wine but it made me feel gross and not the least bit buzzed. so i kind of retreated to the corner where i read vegetarian recipe books and watched people socialize.
i felt i didn't really add to the conversation so i just listen and watch people's reactions which is more of what i used to do. for some odd reason i felt like sarah was leaving too. i know her flight from this place didn't work out but she may be moving to halifax and that will be one more person that the bridge will come between. it's funny how a bridge can make all the difference. it's kind of launching me into feeling older and growing up which is something i wanted to put off for as long as possible. when your a kid you rely on so many things for comfort and consistency. parents, the holidays, a favorite doll. and after those all loose their magic i find the thing that comforts me the most now is my friends. so maybe i'm feeling a bit worried that everyone will fall away from each other and i won't have my pretty web to land on. i don't want to leave my friends and get married, have kids and realize when i'm 45 that i don't have any girlfriends to talk to about sex, getting older or what keeps me up at night. i've seen what it does to my mom and i don't want to be old and bitter. i think friends are the secret recipe for staying young and fresh and alive...