i don't think there is anything worse than being misunderstood.

last night i woke up to a phone call from jason.
it was 1:30 am and he said that someone had left really angry posts on here.
someone named rachel pushie.
i was tired and confused and suddenly felt nauseous. i couldn't go back to sleep so with the phone in my hand i came to the computer to see what he was talking about.
it was about my post about two krista's. i read the comments and then i cried.
i cried a lot.
i couldn't even answer jason questions "are you ok?"
i felt and still feel like i was kicked in the gut and couldn't breath.
i started to remember when i started writing on here. i'd never been able to keep a written journal and it was the first time i was able to write everyday. i wanted to have something to read when i was older. to look back and see what i was feeling. maybe give me some insight to my own kids someday because i think i will forget what it's like to be young.
i didn't realize that it was so easy to access my most personal thoughts. i thought that other than a few friends and maybe some distant strangers no one else read my post.
i was so wrong. who knew that a word search could make the worst version of myself available for public viewing?

jason came over at 2 am to be with me. we slept in my small bed.
needless to say i didn't sleep well at all. my stomach is grumbling but i don't feel like eating.
i would like the chance to explain myself. so if there's some small chance that rachel still reads this, this is what i have to say:
my feelings change so much that the way i felt that day was different than i felt a week later and even now.
i got an hour or two less sleep, and worked an hour too long. on a bitter and long day i wrote about my jealousy and my inadequacy and using an example of how i always feel second best i thought of your friend. obviously i don't know her. i didn't know her then and i don't know her now. that post had nothing really to do with her at all and everything to do with my insecurity. i admit that i have a lot of issues with not feeling good enough, envy and jealousy. i'm working on it. it's a waste of time. i'm sure your all as beautiful as you were in high school and you all still have the "something" which i've never had. i really actually hope that everything works out for all of you because i've never really wish something bad on someone. i don't hate her. i don't even dislike her. i couldn't use all the fingers on one hand if i was to name people i had a strong dislike for. and frankly i never would have thought of her enough to count her.
of course you're just standing up for you friend, which, in high school, i was too shy or scared to do. i know what it's like to have your friends made fun of. and it was something that your friends had done too. haven't we all really? i'm not trying to make an excuse. i just want you to know that what i said was not meant in a bitchy, catty way. it was about how i always compare myself to others and the only reason i write down all the ugly feelings i have is to get over them and get through them without taking it out on other people. i'm sorry you had to read it. half of the things i write on here i'm very embarassed about. as much as i would like everyone to like me it's too much of a game to pretend that i'm nice all the time and only think good things. no one can keep that image up.
i know i'm babbling on but i have the intense desire to explain myself and as i said before i hate being misunderstood. so if you're going to base your opinion of me on an thought i had only one day then you don't know me at all. i really mean it when i say i'm sorry.

there are two things which i hate: being misunderstood and letting someone down.