today i felt like i had fallen back into being quiet again. i ride the bus and sit in class and go through the motions with the same face. i'm not a part of this place at all. i have not become emersed at all. i don't know what it means to be really angry or fustrated or hurt to the point of lashing out. i think i need an excuse to feel alive again. to feel my heartbeat quicken and my breath come short. i think i need an excuse to yell or to scream or to cry a lot. not just being ok. everything's alright. but it's not great and it's not going anywhere. this is no way related to all the wonderful people i surround myself with. they are the few links i have to any beauty in emotion. they keep me from retreating back into myself to the point where i feel like my voice won't work or i don't have the ability to make conversation.
i'm missing something and i felt it my whole life. it's so grounded to basic human nature that it's pathetic. sometimes i really can't look at myself. i feel like i'm lacking that something that draws people, that makes people want to know you, to impress you, for you to like them, for you to hold them in high regard and always makes sure to have you around because you are the definition of fun. i felt it in elementary and i felt it in high school and i feel it now. i recognize it in other people. it's as if we share something. "i know what it feels like to be uncool". it's not that i don't feel loved. it's just the feeling that you're lacking some shine or glimmer that makes you a little untouchable and a little like the prick of envy in someone. this entry is really dumb and it's just a lot of self pity finding an escape in a lonely hour. don't comment on this one because, in the long run, it doesn't matter. only i can let it go.... i feel very vain and dull but i have to be honest with myself. i'd like to split my mind from my body. i'd like to think i can be brutally honest about myself and that it doesn't hurt because my mind and my physical being are such seperate things. that it's not a part of me and it's only a vessel to take me
from place...to place..
to place.