do you remember what it was like to be small and uninhibited?

i was sitting in class and watching slides of robert frank's work and i started to wonder. i am always avoiding any reference of the present in my photos. i'm sure there are little clues here and there but they are kept to a minimum. maybe i should stop trying to hide the fact that it's 2005. maybe right now is what i need to photograph. whenever i take photos i think 'what will people see 50 years down the road that i don't see?'. no matter how much i look back, fantasize, idealize the past it is always farther and farther away. when my kids look at my old pictures i want them to see what it was really like to live now, the good and the bad. i think i relish in the nostalgia of old photos, tarnished jewellery and worn down old shoes is because the past is more of a myth or a mystery to me. i'll never see it with my own eyes, talk like they did, see things the way they did. future and technology is always being pushed in my lap through magazines and t.v. ads and it becomes invisible. but i'm thinking now that this is what i should be taking pictures of. every minute that passes is a history: a cloudy, rainy day, a cluster of umbrellas, an untied shoelace. why should i decide that now is not significant just because i feel an angst against the new and the improved. the future for me means urbanization, a dependance on machines and computers, an illusion of security, a false sense of being a highly cultured individual. being cultured today seems to be the abilility to shell out 3 dollars a day for that dopio con panna, reading homer or socrates, saying that eating meat always wrong, or memorizing all the major (as well as the minor) filmmakers and their filmographies just to impress your class.

other things that have been on my mind:
- lizbeth zwerger: the best new children's illustrator i have seen
-french women directors class is so good: all the movies are cool
-being around alex helps marc to seem not so far away
-being constantly busy and broke is a great way to not feel guilty about treating yourself or taking some down time.

sometimes i can really be a spoiled bitch.
i think it's time to take longer walks and just watch people.
nothing is more humbling than remembering that the world doesn't revolve around me and my problems.

it's so cold in this house....


it's like drinking poison. like eating glass
like drinking poison. like eating glass

-bloc party

marc left this morning on a plane. it feels like amputation. 

.... 

i don't think i really realized until this fall what being an adult really meant. i had the vague idea that it included moving out, paying bills, making you own doctors appointments, having a schedule and getting things done on your own.
i forgot that growing up meant moving away from the people who have shared the same house with you for 22 years, having your friends move away and make new lives, being in debt, and spending christmas with someone missing. i'm sure there's more but i don't want to think about it.
this is my theme for my photo project: little girl lost in the woods.
i don't think i'm the only person who feels like that right now.

everything that i love is like sand and it's slipping through my fingers.

hello.
sorry i haven't written in so long. i hate having no computer at home. i'm at school and i probably should be doing school work, eating supper, or paying my parking ticket but i'm too lazy.
i miss kathy. and darcy and jill and all the people that made dartmouth a funner place to be!
i'm filling up my time so i don't notice the void: doing school work, having good talks with b, and doing jason's homework. i feel busy already. i feel like this time i know that time is passing by quickly. it's already october and the air is cooler. i want to go apple picking with the girls, read some harry potter and watchthe labyrinth and witches.
alas, the girls are all on their own and apple picking season is going to be ending soon. marc will be leaving home to visit sunny australia for 9 months. i hope this christmas isn't a gloomy one. even harry potter books seem a bit juvenile to me. sorry this post is boring or maybe even a bit morose. i really am still very happy a lot of the time. but right now i feel very.....sedated. maybe i'm growing up.
i don't wanna grow up.

i need some ice cream and ballons.