people i will miss:
-glenn
-chris
-philip
-erin
-adrienne
-dan
-nathaniel
-rico
-evan
-bucky
...even kelly and ashley...
that's a lot of people to miss when you've only known most of them for 3 weeks
and you're not even moving away.
i love all of my friends to death but meeting new ones was like a breath of fresh air...and i'm going to take a deep breath before signing off...

p.s: nat, i would definately massage your gross, stinky feet for 7,000 dollars

tonight at 5 fish was comical:
- "nice jugs.....of water" -bucky (that made my night)
- when i burnt my hand on the plate warmer chris gave me some burn cream. i made reference to something vulgar and asked him how i was going to explain my hand being covered in white goo. he said "just say 'well i really really wanted this job..so...' "
-i tripped up the stairs
-kelly actually made a sarcastic remark to me
- me and kelly joking about how sexy the headset feels under our shirts
- "have you dined with us before?" "yes, yes i know all about the salad bar and the pretty girls"
-rico telling me i had 'piercing' eyes ....what the eff does that mean?

so i guess casablanca was playing at the bedford waterfront last night after all. i had no way there and no one to go with so i watched it in my room from my bed with a mug of hot cranberry juice with a cinnamon stick and some cloves. it's not hard to see why it's on the list of the best movies ever made. it brings to life for me the whole feeling of being trapped in a hot & humid place. it reminds me of the rage of losing a lover when you see the glitter of tears in bogart's eyes and the snarl on his lips. when ingrid bergman cries it reminds me of being torn between an old romance and a new one. it's so beautiful and so dark.

i feel like summer is going to pass me by. i'm so busy right now. i miss the days when i only had to worry about 1 job instead of 3. i have two weeks left at second cup but i will miss the people at 5 fish. they're so great. if i leave now then i'll never get to know them any better. but i guess at least i got to know them and i'll always have that and nothing can take that away. i have stolen little pieces of them and stored them safely inside of me.
all i want to do is read on my swing in the back yard and listen to billie holiday or classical music on a sunny day. i want to watch old and foreign films with kathy as we cuddle on the couch. i want to have a girls night: get dress up for deco and see a girly flick about love in the 40's. i want to buy a polka dot bathing suit and swim all day at the beach. i want to lay on jason's dock and look at the stars and talk and kiss.
...money is not as important to me as all of the sunny days...

"Kiss me. Kiss me as if it were the last time."
 

i'm taking weddings photographs today.


...god help me.

the only thing that's different now is that we have some small grasp of what it's like for millions of others that we were never even aware of.
are you going to ignore them this time?
the only way they could get your attention is by throwing themselves into that metal heart of yours.


i saw farenheit 9/11 with jason last night...
it made me cry and it made me angry.

I always give myself such very good advice,
but I very seldom follow it.
-Alice In Wonderland
 

i definitely don't look or feel divine tonight...

so my brother and i got a job at starbucks. i now have three jobs.
i'm going to give my 2 weeks at second cup
but maybe i'll hang onto 5 fishermen.
but that job is a nervous breakdown waiting to happen.
i want to go to the beach! it doesn't feel like summer until i do.
i need to get a cool bathing suit...maybe a cute black one with polka dots.
deanna says she'll take me out to econonmy shoe shop this week
and i'm excited. i love dee.
i want to get dressed up and wear heels and be tanned and glowing.
i want to look and feel DIVINE...

my head felt heavy and i looked down at the drink. i felt a dull throb in my belly and my mouth began to water. i mumbled to meghan to finish the drink and stumbled into the back. i didn't care that the floor was dirty or that usually i would be disgusted if my bare foot touch the ground. i sat down and leaned forward, arms around the mop bucket and held my eyes shut. it had dirty water in it. i didn't care. i breathed heavily and waited for it to pass. it's funny how your body can rule over you so much that you can't do anything else but to shutup and obey it for once.

the party was pretty and fun....bad days always follow the good ones.....

hawaiian party is under way...... 

10 westphal, 11:27pm
three men wearing baseball hats. the first, an old man. a yellowish grey beard and a patch on his eye. missing teeth and a speech impedement. the second, middle aged with a mustache, quiet, and looking similar to the third who was big with beady little eyes. the first was moving his hands to help him along with his words which were slurred and incoherent. the second, listening quietly with a half smile on his face. he heard the words but knew they were just the rants of a crazy man off the streets. the third with the beady eyes laughing at the first and seeming like an 8 year old boy in the body of a 50 year old man. he kept saying "you like boys". as if to imply that being an old senile man and a gay man were equally disgusting. he said "i don't care about you, i don't know you."
i sat a few feet away with my eyes closed and my head leaning against the window. i wanted to tell that third man to shutup. i wanted to tell him to stop being a prick but i just sat there, eyes closed, and wished i was home in bed.

we have a small black dog.

you've done something i've wanted you to do for a long time: you wrote me a letter...
thanks
love you
kris

had seven faces
Thought I new which one to wear
But I'm sick of spending these lonely nights
Training myself not to care
The subway is a porno
The pavements they are a mess
I know you've supported me for a long time
Somehow I'm not impressed..
.
-interpol

we're getting a dog today 

i saw someone walking by. i glanced up. he looked in. i went back to work and when i looked up again he was walking towards me. he apologized for always looking at me when he walked by. i said it didn't bother me and he said there wasn't many pretty girls to look at.
his name was jim and we shook hands. he said we had talked before at the marquee and i remembered. "you said you recognized me from the bus and that i always carried a camera" he smiled and said:
"you should let me buy you a drink next time"

you don't light up the room like you used to
and i don't get butterflies anymore...

do you even notice anymore when i walk in the room?


at least there were a few good things about my day:

1. i actually went for a jog.
2. i found two more hawaiian records to add to my collection.
3. playing baseball and then slushies on main street with marc and alex.


...4. it was sunny out.

sometimes it's hard not to fall into that dark room
with the small lights....
you read smart books and wear glasses
you put on black because it's not bright and dumb.


i wish jason would write me a letter.

today b is leaving and it's her birthday.....this is a picture for b 

x. What is your secret guaranteed weeping movie?
i can't think of one right now...
x. If you could have plastic surgery, what would you have done?
well i would like a dancer's body...small boobs skinny long legs...and cheekbones...but i would never have surgery....i could never justify spending that much money on something so superficial...i'll take my regular old self any day over something fake...
x. Do you have a completely irrational fear?
any form of pain...oh and vomit.
x. What is the little physical habit that gives away your insecure moment?
i get really quiet...i fiddle with my hands....i just get very fidgety in general
x. Do you know anyone famous?
nope
x. Describe your bed:
it has an ugly flowery bedspread...no headboard and there's a little canopy of mesh netting over my pillow
x. What do you carry with you at all times?
makeup, a book, my wallet
x. What do you miss most about being little?
riding my bike., eating as much crap as you want and never gaining an ounce..swimming all the time, christmas and santa (this is the #1 thing i miss)
x. Are you happy with your given name?
i don't really like it...i like romantic names (gwendolyn, lachlan)..or odd names....like billie...or chet. i would like my name to just be chris....it's close enough to my name that it wouldn't be wierd if people called me that.
x. How much money would it take to get you to give up the Internet for a year?
um...how about a trip to europe or a camera...it wouldn't take much...but this is one way i can keep in touch with people i never see.
x. Do you like yourself and believe in yourself?
sometimes i do and sometimes i don't at all.
x. Do you consider yourself to be a nice person?
i think i'm ok. i would like to be a better person but i'm working on it.
x. Do you spend more time with your girlfriend/boyfriend or your friends?
um...well i probably see jason more..but even that's only once or twice a week...
x. What's one thing you wish you could do but can't?
well i think that a lot of the world's problems could be solved if you could give everyone a sense of empathy and make people not so concerned with their own personal gain.
x. What is your ideal marriage location?
anywhere outside and beautiful.
x. Which musical instrument do you wish you could play?
well i can play the piano and the violin and flute but i wish i could play better...guitar, drums, trumpet...
x favorite fabric:
cashmere, silk, soft wool, and also the inside of a new sweatshirt
x. Something you love and hate?
people
x. Do you tell your friends about your sex life?
not really...on the rare occasion maybe just one close friend (kathy)
x. What's the one language you want to learn?
um..i want to learn more than one: improve my french, and learn spanish, italian, german, japanese, portugese,....anywhere i travel...
x. What do you order at a bar?
shots of whiskey..gin and ginger or vodka and lime
x. What's one trait you hate in a person?
indifference and insencerity
x. What do you cook the best?
eggs
x. Do you prefer to stand out or blend in?
sometimes i wish i stood out but i feel a lot safer in corner...
x. If you won the lottery, what would you do?
pay off any debts my family owed, move my parents wherever they wanted, pay for marc and elise's education, buy a house in europe and set up a business...then i'd hope that my business worked out and give the rest away
x. If you don't like a person, how do you show it?
i don't. it's not necessary show it unless they are being totally unreasonable. but i usually like people anyway...
x. Do you cry in front of friends?
rarely.i absolutely hate crying in front of people...and especially on the phone
x. What's one thing you like to do alone?
read, sit on my swing, take the bus.
x. When's the last time you cried?
i can't remember...but i think i might have recently
x. Favourite communication method?
letters, notes and pssts....i wish people would hold on to some old fashioned traditions
x. How many drinks before you're tipsy?
umm..3 or 4
x. Favourite kind of porn?
cuba band trip porn. porn grosses me out..all you need is a good foreign film.
x. Have you ever done any illegal drugs?
no.
x. Do you think you're cute?
umm...i don't think so but other people have said it. i'd rather be sexy.
x. What's the most painful experience you've ever had?
anytime i've let people down.

i had two notes and a flower. she looked like my sister.she was crying in the back of the bus. so i gave her the flower. i think she needed it.



thanks for the pssst b...

today i burnt my hand at work so i'm typing with one hand and i feel like i'm learning to write all over again. why did i have to burn my left hand? the hot water at second cup scares me. i just can't wait to have a shower tomorrow!fun. but it's pretty outside and i think that my tolerance for shittiness is really high because i'm sitting here with my left hand useless beside me with a smile on my face. nothing can get me down today because today is a pretty day....

this one's for you kathy :) 

it was so hot out today. my clothes seemed heavy and sticky and the wind was just a blast of humid air. me and b met at parade square and went to get my camera fixed. i was hoping to buy a medium format camera today but they didn't have any. *sigh* oh well....i'll put that off for a couple more days. then we went to the superstore to have a healthy lunch of sushi and strawberries. it was nice and the heat seemed to make everything dopey and relaxed so there wasn't any spare energy to waste time on being akward. then we walked to the coburg to see matt but he wasn't there so we drank some lemon pop and talked about our future button-maker adventures.... it was a really nice day except for the humidity...i really like hanging out with bianca....i wish she wasn't going away...i also miss kathy a lot... i can't wait until she gets home and we can just cuddle and watch movies...if we find the time.
i'm not going to waste any more time on this computer when it's so beautiful outside.....
Gute Nacht

he was having a bad day so i baked him some cookies and i sewed his name into my shirt.... 

the boy with the beautiful name came into my work today.he tipped $3.50. i had decided last night if they wanted to know they'd have to talk to me first.
it's nice when someone you thought didn't notice you knows your name.

the air is heavy
there are little points of light in this room
they're slight and rare
they don't let the outdoors in
i was hoping that you could unfurl me
and maybe rid me of some of my longings....

he puts the weights into my little heart.

today is the perfect day to go for a run. 

tonight a french man called me "a beautiful young ghost" and a complete stranger sat down and held my hand.

clothing swap finally happened! i now have a pretty skirt, white shoes, some warm sweaters and a few tanks tops...i didn't get rid of any of my clothes but that was expected. my friends dress a lot nicer than me haha. j hung out with me for an hour yesterday while i shopped for flowers and a journal... (thanks j!)
today looks magical but i have to go to both jobs today and work for 12 hours.


whoever came up with the idea for clothing swaps is a genius.

MIA
"Don't you hate that?"

VINCENT
"What?"

MIA
"Uncomfortable silences. Why do we
feel it's necessary to yak about
bullshit in order to be
comfortable?"

VINCENT
"I don't know."

MIA
"That's when you know you found
somebody special. When you can
just shut the fuck up for a minute,
and comfortably share silence."


*"rumble"- Link Wray* (best song ever)

i believe i have a problem with being spontaneous. i want to hang out with j and he wants to throw anthony in the lake. sometimes we're so different. i'm quiet: he's the life of the party. i'm scared: he doesn't have a clue. i know the lack of similarities will come between us someday...hopefully that day is far away. he is my closest friend next to kathy. and getting closer all the time. i think i've dealt to many cards and i run the risk of losing everything.

"how's hope feeling today?
tired and sick of this place.
red wine is fast
at the lip of your glass sayin'
i'm gonna ruin everything.
everything.
so it's better my sweet
that we hover like bees
'cause there's no sure-footing,
no love i believe."
-neko case

it looks like it's going to be a beautiful sunny day. i have to go to work.
i have a feeling that being a responsible adult isn't going to agree with me at all...


*please god, all i ask is that it's sunny on thursday*