the past two days have been what i've been waiting for all summer. i hope these days aren't fleeting. i want them to be a permanent fixture. there was dancing all hours of the night. and sleeping in with j. swimming with dee, bbq-ing and watching a foriegn film about sex in 60's paris. hanging out with kathy: "wanna have incest?".
today was just as good. laying on the beach all day with sarah and dee. then attempting to make sushi with sarah and eating a feast of sushi, soup, corn and fruit. watching "lost in translation" but talking the whole time....
it's been so long since i've had any excitment that remembering the taste makes me want more.

summer unfolded, like a tapestry.
and you were there - as you have always been there
 - glowing where the sky meets with the trees...

today was a very beautiful day. hanging out and eating sushi with j and then thrift shopping with dee. this is how i want to spend my summer. anytime i'm not working i want to be doing something i enjoy. with friends or reading. i don't want to dwindle hours away on this computer or waste days and wonder where the time went. i want my muscles to be warm and sore from good use and i want my jaw to hurt from smiling too much...

sometimes everything seems dull. a long day at work. inside. plans that fell through. a missed phone call. an uneventful night. i smell like coffee and i feel heavy. i feel like eating sushi and drinking green tea and water for the next week. i would like to lose weight. physical weight and emotional weight. i want to feel excited. i want to feel fresh and new and glowing. i want to feel lean and light and like a dancer...

the yellow fog that rubs its back upon the window-panes, 
the yellow smoke that rubs its muzzle on the window-panes, 
licked its tongue into the corners of the evening, 
lingered upon the pools that stand in drains...

i love the airport and i love planes.i would like to go to the airport and just sit there and watch people all day. i have retained some magic from my childhood and that magic remains in 2 things: christmas and airports. i'm excited because one of these days it'll be me going somewhere and it will be me coming home to see my family waiting. mom and elise came home today. the doors opened and they walked in. we smiled, hugged and brought them home. it doesn't feel so lonely here anymore. i missed mom bickering about the house and elise hogging the phone. as much as i want to go somewhere and see something new i don't want home to change. i want it to remain the same. after years of traveling i'll come home and relish in the nostalgia. and all the dull passing moments will be remembered as nice lazy summer days...

it seems like being happy comes to me most when i am on my way somewhere. the windows down, driving over the speed limit and listening to music. happy to be going anywhere and always the possibilities of the day before me.

il pleure dans mon coeur
comme il pleut sur la ville.... 
                                            -j.m.                        

hobby: "tell me, what is love?"
 
sheila: "love is first widening my eyes a little bit and quickening my breathing a little and warming my skin and touching with my....." 
 

an interesting first experience with the dome....

last night i:
-spent 5 hours straightening my hair
-went to kathy's
-tried some of her delicious ruhbard crisp
-drank to much
-sat out on the front step with sarah and yelled at cars
-called christie my lesbian lisbon lover
-faked a really bad aussie accent
-got a free shot from some guy from toronto who also gave me his hotel room # 
-asked for a "ciggy" from 2 old balding guys
-ended up talking to them for most of the night
-jumped up and down because i was having so much fun
-cried because i was laughing so hard
-danced like like i was on e.
-told dana to let me walk home as he started drinking a beer while driving.
 
this morning i:
-woke up at 8 to take my dog out to pee
-was still drunk.
 

i wish i wasn't me today....

seth: why do people cry?
maggie: What do you mean?
seth: I mean...what happens physically?
maggie: Well...umm...tear ducts operate on a normal basis to lubricate and protect the eye and when you have an emotion they overreact and create tears.
seth: Why? Why do they overreact?
maggie:I don't know.
seth: Maybe...maybe emotion becomes so intense your body just can't contain it. Your mind and your feelings become too powerful...and your body weeps.

sometimes a girl wants to feel desirable and lusted for.
sometimes a girl just wants to be kissed. 

sometimes i want so badly to see myself through someone else's eyes. there could be a million different versions of yourself you'll never know. because i don't only exist to myself. i am something different to a lot of people. bad, good, annoying, fun, nothing special. sometimes looking through a lonely lens gets tiring.

i'm looking forward to talks on the dock, bonfires, swimming on a sunny day, painting on my deck, drinking wine and sitting around a kitchen table, shopping second hand and seeing people that i've been meaning to see for a long time. i want to feel anchored again. i don't want my beautiful web to disappear out from under me.

he left her on her porch with the feeling of a light-brushed kiss on her lips. she felt hurt that he had agreed so easily, and she laughed sourly at herself that she could ask a thing and be hurt when she got it. -east of eden

let's not fall into the same patterns and lines as before. let's start with a bolt of vibrant colour this time around...let's break out of our musty shells and do things that we were not likely to do before.

last night was a lazy night. people swam and i read on the beach. we started the slow drive home. we listened to jazz and the moon looked like a copper penny. sometimes coming back into the city is like seeing it for the first time. it's kind of new and fresh. i didn't fall to sleep until it was late. i took the bus to work this morning and there was a heavy fog on the harbour. the only thing that existed was the bus and the bridge. it looked as if we were part of another universe where the road ahead is only being drawn a few steps ahead of you.