i don't like how animals are treated like trading cards. that they're dispensable. that they're only purpose is to entertain you when they chase their tail or roll over or 'sing' to "a closer walk with thee " on america's funniest home videos. i don't care to know the reasons. it's not right to trade a dog in to be destroyed so you can get a new one like it's a household appliance. it's creepy and it makes me feel nauseous.
i've seen my dad put love into something for the first time in a long time and last night he looked like he wanted to cry. as much as i resented him in the beginning for taking on another expense there's no way i could resent him now.
he looks like a little boy. and i feel like he should be sheltered from being hurt.
all i can do i do is hug him and bake him a pie.

if you pay a $900 for a t.v. and it's defective, all you have to do is take it back. they'll just get rid of the old one and give you a new one.
well a dog isn't a fucking t.v.

i love autumn. it makes me want to go on a road trip with the girls and go apple picking. and maybe pick up a pumkin as well. it's time to break out the cute sweaters and scarfs and nice wooly socks.

can we go apple picking?

please?

xoxo kris

the more i think about it the more i don't care. i know for sure someone hates me and now it seems kind of liberating.
things i've learned:
1. a lesson in humility- i realize now that i never wanted to be one of them. but i don't want to be the opposite: an angry pretentious art student. i'll never forget what it felt like to be hurt but i don't hold grudges. there's no point. they only drag you down.
2. a lesson in self-love. they'll think i wish i was them and that i'm envious because i think i'll never be good enough. they'll think i'm a jealous, pathetic, catty bitch. but i know i'm not, so does it really matter? i'm better than getting angry at someone for having a different opinion.

it's funny. i few days ago i wanted a reason to feel angry or cry a lot or scream. i did the first two.
i think i'll pass on the third.

p.s.: and rachel my number is 469-4059. you can call me anytime.

i don't think there is anything worse than being misunderstood.

last night i woke up to a phone call from jason.
it was 1:30 am and he said that someone had left really angry posts on here.
someone named rachel pushie.
i was tired and confused and suddenly felt nauseous. i couldn't go back to sleep so with the phone in my hand i came to the computer to see what he was talking about.
it was about my post about two krista's. i read the comments and then i cried.
i cried a lot.
i couldn't even answer jason questions "are you ok?"
i felt and still feel like i was kicked in the gut and couldn't breath.
i started to remember when i started writing on here. i'd never been able to keep a written journal and it was the first time i was able to write everyday. i wanted to have something to read when i was older. to look back and see what i was feeling. maybe give me some insight to my own kids someday because i think i will forget what it's like to be young.
i didn't realize that it was so easy to access my most personal thoughts. i thought that other than a few friends and maybe some distant strangers no one else read my post.
i was so wrong. who knew that a word search could make the worst version of myself available for public viewing?

jason came over at 2 am to be with me. we slept in my small bed.
needless to say i didn't sleep well at all. my stomach is grumbling but i don't feel like eating.
i would like the chance to explain myself. so if there's some small chance that rachel still reads this, this is what i have to say:
my feelings change so much that the way i felt that day was different than i felt a week later and even now.
i got an hour or two less sleep, and worked an hour too long. on a bitter and long day i wrote about my jealousy and my inadequacy and using an example of how i always feel second best i thought of your friend. obviously i don't know her. i didn't know her then and i don't know her now. that post had nothing really to do with her at all and everything to do with my insecurity. i admit that i have a lot of issues with not feeling good enough, envy and jealousy. i'm working on it. it's a waste of time. i'm sure your all as beautiful as you were in high school and you all still have the "something" which i've never had. i really actually hope that everything works out for all of you because i've never really wish something bad on someone. i don't hate her. i don't even dislike her. i couldn't use all the fingers on one hand if i was to name people i had a strong dislike for. and frankly i never would have thought of her enough to count her.
of course you're just standing up for you friend, which, in high school, i was too shy or scared to do. i know what it's like to have your friends made fun of. and it was something that your friends had done too. haven't we all really? i'm not trying to make an excuse. i just want you to know that what i said was not meant in a bitchy, catty way. it was about how i always compare myself to others and the only reason i write down all the ugly feelings i have is to get over them and get through them without taking it out on other people. i'm sorry you had to read it. half of the things i write on here i'm very embarassed about. as much as i would like everyone to like me it's too much of a game to pretend that i'm nice all the time and only think good things. no one can keep that image up.
i know i'm babbling on but i have the intense desire to explain myself and as i said before i hate being misunderstood. so if you're going to base your opinion of me on an thought i had only one day then you don't know me at all. i really mean it when i say i'm sorry.

there are two things which i hate: being misunderstood and letting someone down.

the last few days have been a dramatic change from earlier in the week. i feel young , sexy, healthy and awake. i feel like seeing people, making plans, and taking pictures. i feel like i have energy to spare. i'm going to hold on because who knows how long this will last.
i really wish i was in photo this semester and i know for sure now that this is what i want to do for a living.
i love it like i love cupcakes.
and that's a lot.
i took a bunch of self portraits with my polaroid yesterday. so i'll out one up where my picture is supposed to be finally.
maybe i'll let someone else choose.
this year i want to take more pictures of myself. maybe i'll find a picture that finally looks like me.
i also want to bring my camera everywhere which will annoy everyone but i want more pictures of my friends.
if i don't succeed at this i don't know what i'll do.
photos are like drugs.

now that lilacs are in bloom
she has a bowl of lilacs in her room
and twists one in her fingers while she talks.
"ah, my friend, you do not know, you do not know
what life is, you who hold it in your hands";
(slowly twisting the lilac stalks)
"you let it flow from you, you let it flow,
and youth is cruel, and has no remorse
and smiles at situations which it cannot see."
i smile, of course,
and go on drinking tea.
"yet with these april sunsets, that somehow recall
my buried life, and paris in the spring,
i feel immeasurably at peace, and find the world
to be wonderful and youthful, after all."
-t.s. eliot

i knew i would regret that last post. and it's exactly how i wanted to feel. i feel like if i put all the stupid, self-centered, vain thoughts down for others to see or hear it will keep me from dealing with it when i'm forty. it makes me aware of how rediculous it sounds to feel uncool or not good enough or not pretty. it's a waste of time and everytime i say the words it just reminds me of pathetic groveling for a damn compliment. and that is something i do not want to do. so when i say don't say anything please don't. don't encourage the behavior. because if you're silent my ego will be forced to mend itself.

it sounds to me like i'm trying to sound like a better person than i really am. i need to learn how to write. i'm going to try to be less serious about myself for awhile.

p.s.:
sarah and nicole: thanks for the comments even though i told you not to comment!
kathy: thanks for the phone call...
i heart you girls.

today i felt like i had fallen back into being quiet again. i ride the bus and sit in class and go through the motions with the same face. i'm not a part of this place at all. i have not become emersed at all. i don't know what it means to be really angry or fustrated or hurt to the point of lashing out. i think i need an excuse to feel alive again. to feel my heartbeat quicken and my breath come short. i think i need an excuse to yell or to scream or to cry a lot. not just being ok. everything's alright. but it's not great and it's not going anywhere. this is no way related to all the wonderful people i surround myself with. they are the few links i have to any beauty in emotion. they keep me from retreating back into myself to the point where i feel like my voice won't work or i don't have the ability to make conversation.
i'm missing something and i felt it my whole life. it's so grounded to basic human nature that it's pathetic. sometimes i really can't look at myself. i feel like i'm lacking that something that draws people, that makes people want to know you, to impress you, for you to like them, for you to hold them in high regard and always makes sure to have you around because you are the definition of fun. i felt it in elementary and i felt it in high school and i feel it now. i recognize it in other people. it's as if we share something. "i know what it feels like to be uncool". it's not that i don't feel loved. it's just the feeling that you're lacking some shine or glimmer that makes you a little untouchable and a little like the prick of envy in someone. this entry is really dumb and it's just a lot of self pity finding an escape in a lonely hour. don't comment on this one because, in the long run, it doesn't matter. only i can let it go.... i feel very vain and dull but i have to be honest with myself. i'd like to split my mind from my body. i'd like to think i can be brutally honest about myself and that it doesn't hurt because my mind and my physical being are such seperate things. that it's not a part of me and it's only a vessel to take me
from place...to place..
to place.

it's getting darker, colder and greyer. opening the door, an old sweater, a blanket. i'm putting stock in small things to keep me happy through to the end of the day.

today was a mazzy star kind of day...

fade into you

i want to hold the hand inside you.
i want to take a breath that's true
i look to you and i see nothing
i look to you to see the truth
you live your life
you go in shadows
you'll come apart and you'll go black
some kind of night into your darkness
colors your eyes with what's not there.

fade into you
strange you never knew
fade into you
i think it's strange you never knew.

a stranger's light comes on slowly
a stranger's heart without a home
you put your hands into your head
and then smiles cover your heart

fade into you
strange you never knew
fade into you
i think it's strange you never knew
i think it's strange you never knew.

ps.: also good - "rhymes of the hour" by mazzy star

today i woke up with a heartache from lack of deanna. i missed her tremendously today. you know when you wake up in the morning and your mouth is really dry and you crave a glass of water? it was like that. haha. it's because i awoke from a dream, where we were working at second cup again, to find out my bus came in 15 minutes. i always hate that. when you have to get up and go right out of a dream: so all day you have this feeling that somethings off. you turn corners too quickly, lose your balance or catch yourself staring at nothing. bianca and i took most of the morning buying supplies and learning how to screenprint on our own. feeling confused isn't as bad when you have company. "we should be a sitcom". so true. we made pretty pink and blue backgrounds and that was the extent of our progress. we watched watership down in the lounge: "hazel is a handsome rabbit". i left her to watch the end with an 8 year old boy to go to work. work was long and busy but devon and i talked about drinking purple kool-aid and the love of his life. devon always manages to make a bad night a good one. even in his worst mood he's smiling. it's nice once and awhile. things go wrong so you might as well laugh at your bad luck. tonight my mom snuck some ju-jubes to me at work as if she thought someone might steal some from her if they knew. my mom is so cute. i heart her.
tomorrow: brunch with jason and dressing up like zombies for shaun of the dead.
ooo the excitment.

good night my little bunnies.

well.....it's really starting to feel like fall. today i went to screenprinting and computer image making. i hung out with bianca all morning in printing and found out that evan from second cup is in my class. yay! the classroom has nice windows that overlook hollis st. and my computer class overlooks granville square. it's really amazing how much my mood depends on how many windows there are in a room. b and i shared a delicious oatmeal muffin from cad's cafe and dicussed plans for london. between classes we got some brochures and free books on jesus. so many new faces. and they all look so confident. the look like they belong here where as i took 3 years so far to look somewhat nscad-y. i don't like it when people younger than me have the kind of confidence and fashion sense that i have yet to achieve. oh well. i'm looking forward to this semester. i hope this feeling doesn't change.

i wonder how much stronger i'd be and how much more i'd know if i wasn't so shy.

i wish that sometimes i could post a song and play it for you. sometimes music says more than i am capable of expressing. because sometimes it's more than the lyrics. it's the lilt of a note, the pause between chords, the shift from major to minor. of course these songs mean something different to me and they clutch onto certain memories from my past that no one has had. but maybe you would know that this is the kind of music i've been listening to lately and give you a little more insight into my head than i'm able to provide...or am even aware of. so if i post lyrics to a song it's an invitation to please look it up and listen to it for yourself and maybe it will bring you back to a drive home, a person, a kiss, a moment of anger or a lonely night...
music is one of the most important connections we still have...

i am thinking it's a sign that the freckles in our eyes

are mirror images and when we kiss they're perfectly aligned

i would like to speculate that god himself

did make us into corresponding shapes like puzzle pieces from the clay

and true, it may seem like a stretch, but its thoughts like this

that catch mytroubled head

when you're away and i am missing you to death

when you are out there on the road

for several weeks of shows and when

you scan the radio, i hope this song will guide you home

they will see us waving from such great heights,

"come down now,"they'll say

but everything looks perfect from far away,

"come down now," but we'll stay...

i tried my best to leave this all on your machine

but the persistent beatit sounded thin upon listening

and that frankly will not fly, you will hear the shrillest highs and lowest lows with

the windows down when this is guiding you home.

-"such great heights" iron and wine

i saw the garden state last night with bianca. i hadn't seen her all summer because she stole away to camp in pennsylvania. the movie was great and nice to look at and the music was even better. afterwards we went to second cup and talked about our fear of commitment and platonic love. also of the possibilities of an exchange in january to london. we started to giggle and sit up a little straighter. it made me excited. nothing could be so exciting as a new start. and to go with somone familiar from home would make it less daunting than being in a foreign country, alone. i don't want to be let down this time by my lack of focus and dedication and if bianca is involved it will push me harder to make that extra step. i think of all the adventures that could possibly play out and think that all of europe is a weekend drive away. my head starts to draw lines and plans that make a blueprint of what i want my life to be like. i would like to follow through this time.

"i remember one morning, getting up at dawn, there was such a sense of possibility. you know, that feeling? and i remember thinking to myself, so this is the beginning of happiness. this is where it starts. and of course there will always be more. never occurred to me it wasn't the beginning....it was happiness. it was 'the moment'. right then." - the hours

georgia georgia, the whole day through. just an old sweet song keeps georgia on my mind. georgia georgia, a song of you comes as sweet and clean as moonlight through the pines. other arms reach out to me. other eyes smile tenderly. still in peaceful dreams i see the roads lead back to you. georgia georgia, no peace i find. just an old sweet song keeps georgia on my mind...
-billie holiday



....i heart billie holiday. she's perfect for lazy summer days and nights.... the song is "georgia on my mind" and you should be listening to it right now while reading a good book.

summer is winding down. in the morning i feel cold air rushing across me from my window and it's not the stagnant heat that normally wakes me up at 8 o'clock. i'm always excited about fall: wearing sweaters, thinking about what kind of art i want to make this year. and how it's only 4 months until christmas. always exciting. i feel different. i feel like i somehow gained a little more confidence over the summer and i don't know how that happened. maybe it's temporary or maybe i don't give a shit. i think it's the latter. i'm just tired of worrying myself about what other people may think. if i like my work then isn't that all that matters? it's mine and mine alone. and if other people think it's cheap or meaningless well...what can i say, i'm learning to express myself by any means possible. i wasn't blessed with being eloquent with words so i have to pour myself into visual endeavors. there's only a little bit of summer left so i want to absorb as much as possible so i remember how i want to spend next summer. summer this year has treated me very well and spoiled me with days at the beach and road trips and swimming. reminder to myself for next summer: don't work three jobs. this entry is kind of all over the place but i rarely have one thought in my head.
i want to make this year a good one. and maybe take some chances..
"so long sweet summer..."